I have a confession to make, the past few weeks just have not been that easy for me. I wish I could pin point it to one exact reason why. Maybe it is because I miss my close friends in Greenville, maybe it is because of the rainy days or maybe it is something deeper. I hate that feeling of when you know something is wrong, but you aren't sure what it is. I feel as though I have been on a roller coaster. Sometimes just cruising through the days and sometimes feeling down and down really fast. The funny thing about the roller coasters is that you always go up slow. I'm sure there is a physics explanation to explain all that, but I just don't really care to find out what it is. My point being, I have been down fast, cruising and at times feeling like its a slow climb up to being really happy, and I don't know why. It's kind of like when you are hungry, but you don't know what your hungry for. That's another really annoying thing. But it reminded me of this beautiful quote from Mother Teresa. She said, "When Christ said: "I was hungry and you fed me," he didn't mean only the hunger for bread and for food; he also meant the hunger to be loved. Jesus himself experienced this loneliness. He came amongst his own and his own received him not, and it hurt him then and it has kept on hurting him. The same hunger, the same loneliness, the same having no one to be accepted by and to be loved and wanted by. Every human being in that case resembles Christ in his loneliness; and that is the hardest part, that's real hunger."
When I read this, suddenly a lot began to click. I think we all struggle with times of loneliness. We may feel hurt, alone, abandoned, forgotten, scarred, abused, manipulated, invisible and broken. When I start to feel this way I usually just get mad at myself. I will say, "Jessica, knock out of it, this is just Satan trying to bring you down. People care and love you....." While all that may be true I think that I have missed the point of loneliness. The times when I am most lonely are times when I am resembling Christ. Christ came and was abandoned by those that should have been by His side. He came, literally giving of of Himself to in turn be rejected. How hurt he must have felt, how hurt he must still feel when His children forsake Him and forget about Him. He was hungry and was fed by few. He was thirsty and only few gave Him water... I know that right now is a point in my life where I'm hungry. I am excited because I know that with that hunger comes a drawing closer to Jesus and the perfect love he guarantees each of us. I also think that even though I may be lonely, it is no reason to stop loving others with the love that Jesus has shown us. We mess up and He still gives us grace. We abandon Him and He continues to wait with arms open wide. We beat Him down with our ways of disobedience and continues to accept us for who we are. We my even forget Him and go about our own ways, but He is there all along saying "Here I AM!" Praise God for this. I am so thankful that at our lows, cruising stages, and at our highs He is there reminding us of His love and power. Last night I went to be beach to just be reminded of how peaceful, majestic and present our God is. I wrote a letter to God in the sand. I have never felt as comforted and filled. To end on a slightly funny note...after that happened a cop came by and asked what I was doing out so late. I told him I was just thinking, praying and listening to the waves. He then asked me out on a date...a cop. Not exactly what I had been praying for. The cop was nice though and was okay with me turning him down. I guess God wanted to provide a little humor in the night as well!